Life Changes in a Heartbeat
by McDreamyPGD13
Summary: What happens when the shooting doesn't happen when it does? I know it has been done before, but just give me a chance. More inside. Set during the end of Season 6 and on.
1. Where Everything Begins to Change

Chapter 1; _Life Changes in a Heartbeat _

**Okay, so, this is my first story I'm uploading. It takes place when the Season 6 finale is and has some scenes/lines from the episode (which of course i don't own) but I felt I had to use some because they were just too good to leave out. I put my own twist on everything and decided to have the shooting not happen when it did. I know, it's been done before, but I wanted to do my own version. Rated M for some sexual content, possible future language, and some violence. I'm not sure how long it will be, but I wanted to test the waters and see how everyone liked it. Mainly MerDer, some other characters included. Please tell me what you think, your honesty is very much appreciated. Without further ado, Enjoy! =) **

It was a beautiful spring day in Seattle, somewhat of a rarity for the area, normally engulfed in rain clouds. Meredith Grey is exiting the resident locker room, a smile beaming across her face. She just saw the results of her pregnancy test. It was positive. Pregnant. The word just wouldn't leave her mind. She couldn't believe it, she was having a baby. Having a baby with Derek, the man of her dreams. She had to find Cristina. She had to tell her person the news before anyone, although in most cases, you would figure she would tell Derek first, since it is his child, but she had to tell Cristina first for some reason she didn't understand. Looking around the hospital, she finally finds her, and pulls her into the back hallway, the one no one ever seemed to enter.

"Hey, what's up?" Cristina asks, intrigue filling her expression.

Meredith struggles for words, not knowing how to speak at this moment. "I'm…I'm…."

"Well, spit it out."

"I'm… pregnant", she finally admits to her person. All Cristina can do at this point was stare, jaw wide open, about to hit the floor. She tried to find words. The right words.

"Oh, my, uhhh, did you tell Derek?" It was all she could think of, not sure what the right response to this news was. Except stuttering and struggling for words seeming like the only thing she could muster up.

"No, not yet. I want to find the right way or the right time or whatever. I know he will be excited, overjoyed actually, but I want this to be a special moment for him, you know? But I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't tell him. He wants it so bad, to be a father. What should I do?" She ended her endless rambling with a simple question, trying to put herself back into perspective. Cristina just starred at her with a look that said _I have no freaking clue, why are you asking me,_ and then she realized that it was such a stupid question. How could she possibly know? But she really didn't know what to do. She racked her brain for answers but nothing came, nothing registered. They both stood there, an awkward silence fell between them until their pagers simultaneously went off. Cristina's read 911, ER. Meredith's read Derek. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach. This should be so easy and yet, she was more nervous than before she received the page.

It was Cristina who finally spoke up, "Ok, so, I gotta go to the ER and be around Teddy or Owen or both, which I would otherwise not prefer. Are you gonna tell him?"

"I'm not sure. I will figure it out or something. You go and hopefully this thing or whatever between Owen and Teddy will subside. How is that going, by the way?"

"It's… nothing to worry about right now. This is very big, Mer, I'm very proud of you," Cristina responded, trying to not down her friends life-altering news with what seemed to her as a miniscule problem and nothing to be concerned with at this very moment.

"I'm… proud of me too", Meredith awkwardly responded with a weird grin on her face. As they walked in opposite directions, Cristina yelled back, "I hope it has his hair!" As a last laugh broke between the two, Meredith responded with a hopeful, "Me too!"

Silence rang throughout Derek's office, with the sound of a pen scribbling on paperwork as the only noise heard. He checked his watch. He had only paged Meredith a few minutes ago, but he really wanted to see her. It had been almost 48 hours, she never came home the night before and the night before that he was stuck with a mountain of paperwork, much like he is now and much to his disappointment. To this very second, he still wondered why he wanted this job so freaking much. It was more paperwork and politics than actually performing surgeries or running a hospital. He now admits that he had underestimated this job, seeing it more as a rise of power, authority, and respect than anything else. Some days, and those days were becoming more frequent, he regretted his decision. As Meredith opened the door to his semi-large office, he smiled, sighing with relief. Excellent, a distraction. Meredith was the one who finally broke the silence, "Hey, you paged?"

Derek finally looked up from his paperwork, fully taking in her presence. "Hey. I like to say hello to my wife every 48 hours. You didn't come home last night." He pushed himself up from his desk, away from the seemingly endless paperwork but never letting go of his pen, and kissed her. Quick, like a habit. He relished in the feeling of kissing his wife, something he needed today. _Wife_. The way it rolled off his tongue still makes her heart skip just a little, loving the fact of being someone's wife, having a husband. She never expected this for herself, not that she had ever expected much, which was the sad, awful truth. She smiled.

Remembering what he said just seconds before her brain lost track of reality, she responded, "I told you. Every Tuesday I go trolling for cases and last night a guy came in with rebar jammed in his skull and Shadow-Shepherd let _me_ do the extraction." He sighed. If he didn't have this painstakingly time consuming job, he could have been the one performing that surgery. No, scratch that. It _would_ have been him in that operating room with his wife as his first-assist, not the man who had now practically taken over his department. With Derek as Chief of Surgery, there was no one better to take the job.

His eyes still focused on his paperwork, he responded, "You know what I have to look forward to today? Paperwork. Oh, and later, more paperwork. I wish I had something jammed into my brain, that way I could see the inside of an OR." Is this really what his life had come to? Wanting something jammed into his skull so he could see the inside of an OR? He couldn't believe it himself, but it was the God awful truth. Meredith sighed. Not the right time. Definitely not the right time to tell him he was going to be a father. He should be in a good mood, not drowning in paperwork to the point of self-destruction. She made a decision, she would tell him later, at home. Yes, that would be better.

"Well, are you coming home tonight? Cause we could order in and I have some stuff to tell you." She hoped he would be in a better mood when he got home, figured she could give him a great way to end his day.

"Yea, I'll be there." He never looked up from his paperwork as he spoke, still hating every minute of his current job.

"Derek, there's going to be a lot of dirty sex for you tonight. Look forward to that." And with that, she left. The door slammed behind her. He finally looked up, starring at the back of his now closed wooden door. He smiled. _Yea, I could look forward to that, maybe it would help me through this day._

It wasn't 'till about 9 o'clock that Derek finally entered the house, relieved to be home. The smell of warm pizza crept under his nose. _Thank God_, he thought, _I'm starving_. Although greasy pizza wasn't his first choice, it would suffice. He walked into the kitchen, watching his wife put two plates on the table, each with a steaming hot slice of greasy, cheesy pizza on it. His stomach growled in his ears. Man, was he hungry. He kissed Meredith and sat down in the seat adjacent from hers. "How was the rest of your day?" He finally asked after taking a bite of his pizza.

"It was ok. Slow, not much happened. Just did an appendectomy with Bailey and hung around the clinic. How was your day?" _Probably not much different than after I left. _

"More paperwork. Oh and then before I left, _more paperwork_. Sometimes I'm just so sick of this job." They both sighed. She hated seeing him like this, so discontent. She knew he made an excellent chief, but she had been noticing lately that he really did hate it. He came home exhausted, his brain aching from reading and signing mountains of paperwork. Lately, he had been averaging 1, maybe 2 surgeries a week, if he was lucky. But, she hoped her news would make him feel better. She didn't want to tell him now, though, while he sulked, demolishing his pizza slices. She would wait till they got upstairs, until they were ready for bed. It would be better, more privacy and such. She finished off her slice, her stomach content for the time being. Hopefully the baby would be nice and let her keep this down for the night. As they made their way upstairs, Meredith inches behind Derek, she took his hand. _I love you_, his dark blue eyes seemed to speak as he looked back at her. When they entered the room, she shut the door. Nobody was home, she noticed. They would probably be trolling for cases, much like she was the previous evening. Good, this is something they should experience together.

As he pulled his flannel pajama pants and his Bowdoin t-shirt out from his drawer, he finally spoke after what seemed like ages. "You told me you had some stuff to tell me earlier?" _Thank God_, she thought, _he didn't forget._

"Yea, uhhh, give me a sec." She had to find the right words to say this. He would never forget this moment; she had to make it special. She watched him undress while he waited, not knowing how happy he would be in the coming moments. She decided now would be a good time for her to change too. Once they were sitting together in bed after going through their night time routine, she spoke.

"Look, this is good news, just so you know; I don't want to worry you. I just don't know how to say it." All he did was stare. _Just say it,_ his eyes seemed to read, _it won't matter to me how._ She decided she would just come out with it. "I'm pregnant." She beamed; she waited for his reaction, his face expressing shear shock. He wasn't expecting it, she realized. All of a sudden, his face lit up.

He couldn't help but giggle with joy. "Really? You're pregnant?" He asked her, just for clarification, making sure he heard correctly. She nodded. It was all she could do to contain her joy. He kissed her, long and deep. It showed his feelings. His joy, his love. She loved the way he kissed her.

After finally pulling away, he said, clearly still shell shocked, "I love you, so much. We're gonna be…" he couldn't even finish his sentence. _Parents_. That's what he tried so hard to say, but he still couldn't believe it. He lay half over her. She lay flat on her back, her hand in his hair. He stroked her cheek gently. They lay there, together, starring, lost in each others eyes. Neither one of them could believe it, and silence stretched, seemingly forever. Meredith finally spoke.

"I know. It's unbelievable, isn't?" Yes, it was totally unbelievable for them both. Derek's dreams of being a father were finally coming true. Meredith had never expected something like this for herself. Never pictured herself with her dream guy and having a child with him. Life couldn't seem to get any better than this. He finally kissed her again after an eternity of silence. It was all he could think of doing in the moment. After he pulled away, he spoke. "I guess some dirty sex is in order for celebration. I have been looking forward to it all day."

They laughed, gleefully. He shut the light, putting them in darkness except for the moonlight shining through the shut blinds. Still smiling, she pulled of his shirt over his head, slow, not wanting to hide his face from herself. He proceeded to take off her tank-top, revealing her naked chest to him. Before removing each others pants, they kissed again, because it seemed so right. They finished undressing and he proceeded to kiss her clavicle, down, down, down, until he reached her lower belly. He lay there, starring at her belly. It would swell with the growth of the baby fairly soon, and he pictured his child growing inside her. He moved back up toward her, his hands on either side of her. He kissed her again before he found home inside her. They both relished in the feeling of being so close, of doing what they loved. Sex for them had become more about closeness than anything since they had gotten married and went through their "newlywed" phase. Since Derek had become chief, their time together had been limited. They missed each other, and when times like this came around, they took advantage. The closeness was something they missed. He began to move, slow at first, not wanting the moment to be over too soon.

_I can take it slow; I can take it incredibly slow…_

She pulled her fingers through his dark locks, something he loved. He kissed her between her cleavage, and tasted her neck. He was moving now at a faster pace, though not too fast. They looked in each others eyes and decided that the dirty sex could wait until another night. Tonight was for closeness, for the celebration of becoming parents, something that seemed like it would never happen. As he began to move faster, she moaned and her fingers tightened in his hair. His own moan followed suit and he kissed her, long and deep. They seemed to fit together perfectly, just like a puzzle. The look in her sparkling, pleasure filled eyes told him to move faster. He did. He kept moving until they climaxed together, both sharing their pleasured moans in the darkness, stuck in euphoria. As he moved off of her, she turned to face his side and was met by a deep sea of blue, a look she loved so much. They stared into each others eyes. Their hands interlocked and they lay there in silence. "I love you, so much", Derek finally spoke, breaking the eternal silence that not only filled their room, but the house as well. "I love you too," she spoke in his ear. Their foreheads touched, hands stayed interlocked, and they eventually drifted to sleep, smiles creeping on their faces.


	2. The Change Feels Too Real

**Okay, Chapter 2 time. Sorry it took me so long. Being a senior in high school comes with a lot of work and I just haven't gotten the time to sit down and write more. I want to explore their lives for now and see what could have happened had the shooting not happened for some time afterward. Oh, and, thanks for the feedback everyone, I really appreciate it. Enjoy!**

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><p>Chapter 2<p>

The sun peered through the windows as morning came. Derek lay on his side, his arm over a sleeping Meredith. With the sound of the alarm blaring in his ears, Derek, being the light sleeper that he is, immediately opens his eyes to shut off the annoying, loud beeping. He groans with discontent, not wanting to get up and face the day ahead. The sound of snoring still hit his ears, his wife still sleeping in his arms. He kisses her naked shoulder.

"Hey, Mer, it's time to get up. We're gonna be late for work." She groaned, much like he did just seconds before.

"Nooo, I don't want to get up," she responded, sleep still tugging at her. She really didn't want to get up, or move rather. _Who knew being pregnant could make you so tired?_, she thought to herself. It was nice and warm under the covers, in Derek's arms. She didn't want to leave. She lay there, aware but eyes shut. The sun light was now very bright, even through the blinds.

"We don't have a choice. Trust me, I would love to stay, but it's unfortunately not an option."

"But, you're the Chief; can't you take off whenever you want?"

"Not necessarily. And plus, how does that involve you?" _Man_, he thought, _that was such a stupid question. _

"What do you mean _how does that involve you_? I'm your wife, aren't I?" Wow, she couldn't believe he even asked that question.

"Sorry, my bad. I'm still waking up, don't judge me." _'Cause that helps. _

"You better be sorry. I'm carrying your kid, remember? You better be extra nice to me from now on or you're soooo gonna get it!" She knew what threat she would use if he even had the audacity to mock her in this moment.

"Really, like I could forget. And, what could you _possibly _do to _me_?" He responded arrogantly.

"I will refuse to have sex with you, and there would be no turning back. When I say something, I mean it!"

"Ohhhh, no you wouldn't! I am too hard to resist, admit it. You couldn't stop having sex with me even if you tried!"

"Wanna bet?" She responded with a sly grin, she knew he would cave any minute. His horny mind would talk some sense into him any second now…

"No, I don't. Not willing to risk it. We better get out of bed now, before we are _really_ late, and you know how much I hate being late."

"Fine". He kissed her one last time before rolling out of bed. He stopped when he was sitting up, smiling, starring at the picture on his nightstand. He could remember that day like it was yesterday.

_It was a cool autumn day. There was not a single cloud in the sky, and they were gonna take advantage. Meredith was wearing her red sweater and a pair of jeans with her sneakers, her hair remaining down. Derek was wearing a black zip-up turtle neck, not zipped all the way, and a pair of casual jeans with his sneakers. His hair was well quaffed, as always. The sun shined in their faces, bright and full, but not to the point of needing sunglasses. It was a beautiful day for a stroll around town. They were taking a walk along the water, just shy of the ferry docks. They were considering a ride, but they figured they would have to take it back and without a car, there wouldn't be much to do on the other side of town and they hoped to avoid the hospital on their day off. They shared some time of silence, taking the time to enjoy the scenery and each other's company. They had their hands interlocked as they went along. Derek finally broke the blissful silence._

"_You know what I noticed?"_

"_What?" Meredith replied, now curious. Apparently she hadn't noticed the same thing he did. _

"_Well, we don't have one picture of the two of us together." Meredith was now a little confused. What had brought this to mind?_

"_And? How did that come up, anyway?"_

"_Well, it's nice to have a picture together, around the house and such. It would be good to have, you know, in case something happens or even to show our kids someday. Maybe send to my mom. She has been hounding me for a more recent photo. And it came up because we never have much time together, you know, with me being Chief and all, and it would be nice to take advantage of the free time while we have it available. I have a strong feeling that my days off are going to become more scarce." Oh, that was how this came about. Something still felt a little off though. _

"_Oh, well, ok then. I guess your right. Although I really don't understand how your mind works sometimes, but I guess I could see where you are coming from. Let's just try to avoid the 'If something should happen' talk, ok? It kinda freaks me out sometimes. Also, I don't have my camera with me anyway, so, how would this work?" Like that would stop him. He always had some way to get things done, even in times like these when ideas just popped into his mind. That seemed to be happening more often lately…_

"_Oh, right, sorry. And I have my camera with me." Hold on a sec…_

"_Wait, were you planning this the whole time?" She knew this didn't just come up on a whim, not something like this. Even though it was becoming a more frequent occurrence. She began to doubt her mind; it was really playing tricks on her right now, believing this could possibly have come to mind right that second. _

"_Well…" He didn't want to admit that she was right, the arrogant, stubborn man that he was. She knew him too well._

"_Don't 'Well…' me Derek Shepherd. You had this planned the whole time didn't you?" She got him._

_Defeat, meet Derek Shepherd. Derek Shepherd, meet defeat. "Ok, you got me. I planned it out. I figured since we were in front of the water and all, it would be nice. And my mother really has been hounding me, that's the truth."_

_Ok, Meredith, this isn't such a big deal, it's just a picture, no need to fuss. "Ha! Gotcha!-Ok. And all you had to do was ask, I think we look rather good today anyway." A sly grin crept onto her face. _

_He laughed. "Well maybe I should have thought of that earlier." There was a little sarcasm behind his words. He had thought of it earlier, but he thought that way of asking sounded kind of stupid. Then again, this approach did make him look a little weird, but she loved him all the same. They shared a smile and decided this would be a good spot. They asked a nearby couple walking by to take the shot. Derek pulled out his camera and handed it to the woman who eagerly accepted their request to take the photo. Derek pulled Meredith into a tight hug, her head resting on his chest, holding tightly. He really did love her. And he would love her forever. The woman began to count from three, and they both brought wide smiles to their faces, smiles that you could see in their eyes. The camera flashed. _

He still smiled at the thought. The rest of the day had gone wonderfully. It was a perfect day for them. He realized that while he was lost in thought, Meredith had nearly finished getting ready. Thankfully for him, he didn't take very long.

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><p>The elevator dinged, signifying their arrival on the proper floor. They stood together, holding hands, not wanting to leave each other's company. After the elevator door closed, Meredith reluctantly released his hand. She kissed him and walked towards the resident's lounge. He stood there, watching her walk away. Once she turned the corner, out of sight, he finally turned, initiating the walk to his office. It was becoming more and more routine lately. Crossing the catwalk, he stopped, looking out of the enormous glass window in front of him. Doctors and Nurses walked all about, coming and going as if their Chief of Surgery wasn't even there, observing their movements in silence. He continued towards his office, content with what he saw. As he shut the door to his office, he was met with solitude. And more paperwork on his desk. <em>Great. More. Fucking. Paperwork. Just what I need. <em>

He proceeded to hang his jacket on the coat rack, replacing it with his lab coat. _Derek Shepherd, Chief of Surgery. _He ran his finger over the embroidery. It still felt too new, despite how long it seemed it had been there, although his name had been there for some time now. Man, how the years flew by. He got his dream job, the job he came to Seattle for, and now he wasn't so sure anymore if it was the right fit. Even Head of Neurosurgery was a big step from his private practice in New York. It didn't quite feel real.

Because of what Addison and Mark had done, he was here, in Seattle, with someone he would have never met if that never happened and yet, he couldn't imagine his life without her. He never loved anyone like he loved her, not even Addison, and they were married for a little over a decade. And now, they were going to have a baby together. He was going to be a father. He still couldn't get the word out his mind, still slightly in shock. He never would have imagined this for himself, and yet here he was, married to the true love of his life and having a baby. He smiled.

Soon, the smile faded as he came out of his thoughts and sat at his desk, grabbing the first folder from the top of the pile that looked like a mountain. Great, another long day ahead.

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><p>Meredith sat in the resident's lounge, in front of her cubby. She was wearing her baby blue scrubs with her hair in a light pony tail. She sat there, smiling. She realized she probably looked like a psych patient, ready to go insane, but she didn't care. She was too happy. Today would be a good day, one of her better ones. Cristina trudged in, a look of boredom and discontent written all over her face. She plopped down next to Meredith who finally came out of her trance, noticing her person's presence.<p>

Cristina looked uninterested and slightly depressed. "What are you doing?" She asked, still emotionless. Almost like a robot.

"Oh, nothing. Sorry. What's up, you have a weird look on your face." It really was weird, something wasn't right.

"Oh, I uhh. I broke up with Owen."

"Oh Cristina, I'm so sorry. What happened?" She only knew so much and she wanted to fully understand why she ended her relationship with someone she loved, someone who loved and understood her for who she really was, much like Derek did Meredith.

"I really can't take the back and forth he has going on with Teddy. You know, I'm sick of worrying and wondering if he really does love me and if his feelings for Teddy are still there. He stares at her, all the time. And I can feel the tension and awkwardness when all of us are in the same room together. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to get hurt in the end, so I cut it off now, before it got even more complicated. Although I'm not sure it could get any weirder. I feel sick sometimes, I just can't take it anymore…" her breath caught, the hurt not only heard in her voice, but seen all over her face.

"Oh Cristina,-"

"Don't, ok? Let's just move on from this, I don't really want to talk about it right now". A change in subject was desperately needed right now. She couldn't think about this anymore, a headache was coming, she needed a distraction.

"Okay. Okay. Well, I told Derek last night. I waited till we got home. He was in a mood when I went to his office when he paged, and it wasn't a good time. But, yea, I told him." She knew this would be a good distraction for her. She needed a change in subject, and talking about her life seemed like the easiest topic.

"Oh, God. How did he react? Was his world made all whole because your womb is not all empty and dry? Did he weep like a bitch baby?" She smiled. She really wanted to know because she always liked a good laugh, especially when he was being his sappy, McDreamy self. Meredith couldn't help but laugh.

"He reacted just like you did, completely shocked. He lit up, I don't think I have ever seen him that excited, or at least, not in a long time anyway. And no, he didn't cry. Although it looked like he was trying really hard not to."

"Awww, how cute. McDreamy is all happy and excited. Are you ready for the hell you will have to deal with in the coming months?" Meredith looked a little confused.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You know, all of the morning sickness and McDreamy being all McClingy and McSappy?" Meredith couldn't help but laugh again. She really did see the new nicknames coming; she just didn't know what they would be. _There's the old Cristina we all know and love, making her way to the surface. _

"Wow, is that really what you think? Sure, I won't like the pregnancy in the beginning, but it gets better and just look what we get out of it? We get our baby, part of me and part of Derek. It will be great. And I don't appreciate the nicknames, by the way. I like when he hovers some times and he is just a natural born sap, you get used to it after a while." Cristina looked dumbfounded.

"What…what happened to you?"

"What do you mean by that?" Now Meredith was getting a little more offended.

"Well, dark and twisty Meredith has been left behind in the shadows while married, happy, expecting Meredith has taken her place. I want my person back."

"Well, I like married, happy, expecting me better. It feels great to be settled, especially with the way the rest of my life has gone. Don't you think, as my person, that I deserve this? My life has been pretty freakin crappy otherwise." Meredith was getting defensive. She liked her life now just the way it was and nothing would change the way she felt. She wouldn't have it any other way at this point. Cristina didn't have a response; all she did was get up and leave. She left Meredith in her fuming, annoyed dust. Meredith was confused. _What? _If she really was her best friend, why couldn't she let her be happy? Usually, when someone's best friend is happy and their life it going well, they would be supportive. But, she also understood that Cristina wasn't like that. It was her way or the high way, even when it came to Meredith's life. She decided she would confront her later, let her cool off, although she still couldn't understand what the big deal was.

She got up after several minutes and made her way to Derek's office. She had nothing else going on, and he had a really comfy couch in there. Even if he wasn't there, she would sit there until she was paged else where. She was still feeling very tired and she didn't know if she could take much more.

Walking down the catwalk, she started feeling more and more fatigued and the world seemed to be going in circles. She saw his office through her haze, a blur of her husband standing from behind his desk, heading towards the door. His back was to her. He must have gotten paged or something. She gripped the railing so hard her knuckles turned white and the rest, she couldn't remember. She vaguely remembered Derek screaming her name as she began to fall, feeling him catch her just before the darkness took over.

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><p><strong>Okay, so as I was writing this, I decided to take a different spin. Bare with me, it will take me some time, but I will get there. The events of the shooting won't happen exactly how they did in the episode, I'm still figuring that out slightly. Oh, and I decided the picture would be there around that time because I wanted to do something with it. Hopefully I will be able to update soon, once I get through this week. I am going to try to make sure I don't wait too long to post the next chapter. As always, comments and critiques are always appreciated. =)<strong>


	3. Why this? Why now?

**Okay, so whoever is still with me, I am soooo sorry that it took me so long to post this chapter. My life has been kinda crazy, with school and the holidays and all. Hopefully everyone had a great holiday and I will try soooo hard to make sure that I don't wait this long to post again. I know I said that I would wait a little while and explore where their lives would go, but I decided to have just to where he found out and the tables were turned. If you are still with me, enjoy and I hope to hear from you all. Reviews and suggestive comments are always appreciated.  
><strong>

**Without further ado... ****=)**

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><p>Chapter 3<p>

Her blood.

It was all over his hands, flooding out of a small hole in her abdomen. She lay limp, lifeless in his arms despite the faint pulse he felt on her wrist.

Panic.

It was flowing rapidly through him. Where had the shot come from? He didn't remember hearing a gun fire. Who shot her? Why would they shoot her? What should he do?

"Someone help!" He screamed. He was sitting on the floor towards the middle of the catwalk, his wife lying in his arms. All he could do was stare and panic inside. Stare. Panic. Stare. Panic. It was like a broken record in his head, playing over and over again. He was in too much shock. Nothing could have prepared him for this, not again. _Not again, please not again!_

He cradled her close to him and whispered in her ear, "Meredith, don't die on me, please…"

"What are you all doing? Stop standing there and do something!" They didn't seem to understand what was happening. They never moved, despite their Chief's cries. They were too frightened. Too scared to move in fear of getting shot themselves. They were all frozen like statues. He got up off of the ground. He would have to carry her to the ER himself. Her arms fell limp, and more panic hit. He moved faster, afraid she would die right there, in his arms.

His mind flew back to just years before, when he had to pull her blue, lifeless body out of the cold, icy water of the Elliot Bay. It always remained stuck in his brain, an imprint of one of the worst days of his life, one he would never forget. After all of his running and his mind racing, he finally reached the ER.

Panic evident in his cries, he screamed, "Someone help, please! She's dying!"

"Derek, what happened?" She stood in front of him, but he couldn't make her out through the blurriness in front of his eyes. He knew her voice though; he had heard it all too many times.

"She was shot, Cristina. I… don't know…who…why… I…", he spoke, through heart wrenching sobs. His efforts seemed futile, but he had to try. She led him to an open trauma room and called in Bailey and Owen. Everyone else just followed suit.

"Oh…oh my…" Bailey, in this moment, could not speak. One of her babies, one of the ones she raised, was yet again lying lifeless on a gurney, this time with blood coming from her abdomen. Her doctor mode flew into overdrive as everyone worked frantically around her. She was being stuck with needles. Blood was beginning to fill her veins to compensate for the severe loss.

Derek stood in the corner, panic shown on his features and tears leaking from his eyes.

"The…the baby…" It was all he could say, all he could think to say. They had to know she was pregnant, needed to know. And he needed to hope and pray that his wife and unborn child were okay. He needed it so badly right now.

Bailey immediately stopped what she was doing. She's pregnant? Since when? Oh God. Someone needs to get this poor man out of this room. He doesn't need to see this.

Bailey spoke her last thought, "Derek, you need to leave the room, you're family; you can't be in here".

Derek just looked at her.

"I'm not leaving. I…I…I can't, I won't".

"Derek…"

"Bailey, I can't. Not again. I can't leave her alone again. Not again". He spoke through sobs, trying to be coherent.

Owen finally spoke, hoping to move quicker. "We need to take her to the OR, now. She is losing a lot of blood. We need to give her and that baby a chance to live".

Fear racked his frame. No matter how hard Derek tried, he could not be sturdy in this moment, not now. They started moving out of the room towards the OR, leaving Derek in their hurried dust, leaving him to ponder his many thoughts. He began to wipe the tears off of his face with shaky hands. He could not cry, not right now. He had to remain solid, though his whole body told him it wouldn't be easy. He followed them, although they were a long ways away, and chose to sit in the gallery after what seemed like eons of movement. Against his better judgment, he sat there, watching as they quickly prepped her to minimize blood loss as much as they could.

He had no clue what to do with himself. Derek Shepherd; stoic, put together, all around stronger person Derek Shepherd could not hold his composure. He could not stop his mind from racing to the worst possible outcome; Meredith dead. He kept picturing it in his brain, which only made him sob more. He had to be strong. He had to figure this out. He had to be there for her, both physically and mentally.

He decided to make a phone call. He needed to tell the police what had happened, the shooter could still be around, lurking, waiting, looking for more people to shoot. He had no idea as to if he was still in the building, but as Chief, he couldn't take the chance, not at the expense of his hospital staff. After the police told him they were on their way, he paged the hospital. Lock-down. Nobody leaves, nobody moves until further notice. Until we know what is going on. Until I know what is going on.

He decided to sit back down and wait for the police to arrive. He could do no more until then. He carefully watched every movement of every last employee in that operating room. Calculated every step they made; every cut. He watched them rush more blood into her body. One tiny hole had caused so much damage, so much loss. Her blood still clung to his hands, his shirt, his pants. But, it was now dry. He would never wear these clothes again; never get the images of her blood on his hands out of his mind. Ever. Again.

How could this have happened? Who could have done such an awful, cruel thing? Why? Of all people, why her? Why his wife, why now? He tried to process his never ending thoughts, but one seemed to overlap the other. He could not process anything but the fact that his wife was possibly dying. Dead. That his baby, his baby without a name, his unborn baby, the one he had always dreamed of, could be dead as well. He could not think of anything else, and it frightened him. To Death.

Derek heard footsteps come through the door behind him. Someone sat behind him, though he didn't bother to look; didn't really care who it was. A strong, firm hand gripped his shoulder, the touch showing nothing but sheer sympathy. Mark. Mark was in the room behind him. He must have heard what had happened. Maybe he saw it on the OR board. And yet again, he didn't really care that much. Mark would sit there silently if he had to, just his presence showing support.

"Dude", Mark spoke, breaking the somber silence between the men who considered themselves brothers, "What happened?" It was a question that, unfortunately, Derek just did not know the answer to.

"I…I don't know, I really don't. I didn't even hear…" A gun fire. He hadn't heard it go off. Guns were really loud when they were fired, how is it that he didn't hear it? He had learned that when he watched a man kill his father, so how is it that he didn't hear the gun shot that nearly killed his wife? He just didn't understand. He knew there was an answer, somewhere, but it just would not come to him right now. Maybe it would later.

Her vitals began to drop.

His heart dropped in his chest. He got up from his seat, away from Mark's hand, and stood up against the glass. He heard everything over the intercom. He heard them say her vitals out loud to Owen, reminding them of her declining condition. The amount of blood loss was too much trauma on her body. _No, no, no, no, this isn't happening. Please, not today. _

"Someone page OB, now! We need someone to check on this baby!" Owen shouted loud enough so the whole hospital could hear if they were paying any attention. He had done so many surgeries like this, unfortunately. But, never with the husband and father watching his every move. Especially since that man was not only his boss, but his friend. The woman on this table was loved by so many, including the woman he loved. The one he truly loved. And yet, no one seemed to love her more than the man watching, dark blue eyes filled with tears, his face filled with panic.

Derek saw with his own eyes as her heart rate was rapidly declining. One tiny little piece of metal had done so much and now the only thing he could do was pray. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the glass, attempting to breathe as he continued to listen to everything that was happening below him. His eyes remained closed as he heard an unknown doctor, a voice he had never heard and could not put with a face, someone who worked for him but he had never met, enter and ask what was happening, why she was paged away from her other patients. Owen explained the situation to her and her sneakers squeaked a little on the tile floor as she moved quicker to the table.

And then he heard it. Something he never wanted to hear ever in his life. The bullet, the one that had pierced through his wife at an alarming speed, had also affected his baby. The baby without a name, the one he had already become impatient to meeting, the one he had dreamed of for so long, was dead. And was now a risk to his wife.

His eyes opened.

He looked down under him, a tall woman with medium length, straight dark hair and deep brown eyes looked up at him, nothing but sheer sympathy written all over her face. His eyes began to swell and redden even more. Her face said it all. She knew he heard him.

Now all she had to do was her job, to help this woman stay alive by taking the baby that was now a risk to her out. She hated this part of her job. And now she hated it even more because this poor woman's husband, and her boss, had to watch her do it. Take away something they had come to enjoy and look forward to. Something they tried so hard for. And within a day of knowing it was real, it was all over.

Derek wasn't sure if he could watch any longer. He knew he had to be strong, a stronger man than he was being right now. But this whole day hit him like a tidal wave, at first seemingly harmless and normal and then BAM! It all comes rushing in at once.

He began to slowly pace back and forth, Mark still watching his best friend fall to pieces in front of him. Shortly after, the phone rang. It was the police.

"Hello, is this Chief Shepherd?"

"Yes…yes it is." Derek spoke, though he wasn't sure how he came to speak coherently.

"Okay. This is Sergeant Hancock with the Seattle Police Department. Can you tell me what it going on there?"

"Honestly, sir, I have no idea. I didn't hear the shot. I didn't even know anyone was shot until I stepped out of my office to see my wife…", he choked at the thought, "Dr. Meredith Grey, falling to the floor halfway across the catwalk. I don't know who did it. I can't even think of anyone who would want to do this. The hospital is on lock-down, so if anything else happens I will know".

"Okay, I'm outside the front entrance accompanied by a few squad cars, just to be sure. I haven't called SWAT yet because I want to be sure what is going on first. Can you tell me where you are? Anyone with you?"

"Um…I'm in the gallery…OR 1. Another doctor, Mark Sloan, is up here with me, and a team of doctors in the OR below us…they're operating on my wife, sir…" He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. He needed everything to be ok, for this day to have never happened.

"Okay, I'm coming up there now. Don't move. We are going to canvas the hospital and see if the shooter is still here. Are you sure you didn't see anything?"

"Okay…No sir. I didn't see anything, didn't even hear anything." He felt like he failed his hospital, his wife, for letting something like this happen without his knowledge, right under his nose, causing everyone's safety to be compromised. At this moment, he felt weak and powerless.

"Okay…okay. We will be there shortly. Hang tight Dr. Shepherd". Sergeant Hancock realized that his men, including himself, had a lot of work to do, very quickly. The job never seemed to be getting any easier.

"Okay…Bye". Both men hung up the phone. Derek moved back to his chair, needing to take a breath or two. _Everything is going to be alright. Just. Breathe._

He rested his elbows on his knees and his hands sank into his palms, resting there, no energy left in him to even hold up his head. He ran his hands through his hair, still struggling to breathe, to pull himself together. His face felt sticky and hot with the leftover tears and his head began to hurt. _Can't I have one normal fucking day in my life anymore? Please, just one. _

* * *

><p>Time passed without thought.<p>

They had been operating for what seemed like eternity. Hancock still hadn't shown up yet. He sat there still, in silence, nearly forgetting that Mark was still in the room. Then again, where would he go?

Derek jumped a little at the sound of a new voice and footsteps until he turned and saw the older man wearing a police uniform, another officer standing behind him, most likely his partner. He stood to greet the man in the doorway and saw Mark had already done so and was back to looking at the OR below. Derek tried to take his mind off of what was happening below, although it didn't seem to work.

"Hello, you must be Sergeant Hancock. I'm Derek Shepherd." He reached to shake his hand and feebly looked the man in the eye.

Sergeant Hancock returned his gesture, introducing himself while shaking his hand. He could see that the man in front of him was having a very long day. He had to do everything he could to reassure him that things were running smoothly, but he wasn't sure it would help much. This man could possibly lose his wife, and watch it all unfold in front of him. He felt for him.

"Okay, Derek, let's sit. We have to talk. We canvassed the whole hospital, but there seems to be no sign of a shooter. Everyone is returning to business as usual."

Derek was baffled. "What do mean business as usual?" He was now furious, unable to control his raging emotions. "My wife was shot, currently near the brink of death, and you are telling me that there is nothing left to do here?" How could they do this?

"No, no, no. Dr. Shepherd, we are no where near done with this. But there is nothing left to do here, in this building. The person who did this must have come and gone, but they won't go unpunished. We will get this person." He tried to reassure him that they were not done at all, noticing the rising anger in his expression. "Now, is there anyone you can think of that might want to hurt you in any way, any enemies?"

"No…" he thought really hard, "No, no one."

"Are you sure? Any recent law suits or any patients or families threatening you in any way?"

Oh…"Gary Clark..."

"Who is that? What did he do?"

"He is suing us for the death of his wife. He thinks I killed her. She had a massive stoke after a routine operation, a huge bleed in her brain. She was brain dead; there was nothing more we could do. I can't believe I didn't think about that before… But, wait, how is it that I didn't hear the shot, I still just don't understand."

"That's a great lead…I will have to give that to the detective…" He had a name, that could be their break. "It is possible that you didn't hear the shot because there might have been a silencer on the gun."

Again, another example of his mind not working. Of course there was a silencer because apparently, no one heard it. This is all coming together now…

"I'm sorry Sergeant; my mind is not really here right now. Do we have to do this all now?" He really needed to see what was going on with the surgery underneath them; it was driving him crazy not knowing.

"No, don't worry about it. I understand. I couldn't imagine being in your shoes right now. Here is my card. If you have any questions, any at all, please, feel free to call, no matter what time. We are going to figure this out, I promise" He needed to reassure the man in front of him, the man who was having probably one of the worst days of his life, that they had everything under control and that the only thing he had to worry about was making sure his wife was okay.

"Thank you so much Sergeant Hancock. It means a lot. I will definitely be in touch" It really meant so much to Derek that they were handling this; that he had one less thing to worry about. He let out a sigh, some tension escaping from his body.

"Of course", as he stood, he gestured to shake Derek's hand, "Good luck with everything. We will pray for your wife"

"Thank you" He shook the Sergeant's hand in return and watched as he exited the gallery. He returned his focus to the surgery, once again filled with worry over what would happen next. _How long is this going to take? I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. _

Thankfully, it turns out that they were nearly finished and ready to close. Owen looked up at him, at Mark, nodding slightly to say that they were through, a look in his eyes of sheer sympathy at the loss Derek had just faced. The loss of a child.

His child.

He still could not believe it. He tried to hold off feeling it too much until he knew Meredith would be fine, until her surgery was over.

And now it was.

And now he let himself feel it. Really feel it.

He began to sob, hard, feeling like he never had before. He couldn't take the pain. The hurt of knowing that his child was gone. He couldn't imagine how he was going to tell Meredith; after everything, she would be so crushed. She was excited, just as much as he was. And now it was all over. He put his face into his hands as he cried, no longer able to hold any emotion back. He felt Mark's hand on his shoulder, giving a gentle squeeze, trying to comfort his brother in his time of need.

He looked up at Mark, his face sticky and his eyes red from all of the tears he shed over his baby. It still didn't feel real, it couldn't be happening.

"Why don't you go down to recovery, I know she would want you there when she wakes up, especially now" Mark tried to reassure him that this would all work out and all he had to do now was wait for her to wake up.

"O…okay" It was all he could say; his mouth wouldn't form any more words, couldn't. Mark was right.

Derek stood up from his chair again and proceeded to walk down to the trauma recovery area. He could do this. He had to. He had to be strong. For Meredith. For her, he would do anything.

By the time he made it to recovery, she was already in a room. As he walked into the room, he braced himself. This was going to be tough, but he could do it.

He proceeded to enter her room; Owen and Bailey were the only doctors remaining in the room.

"Derek…" Bailey finally spoke. She motioned for him to sit in the chair they put next to her bed for him. The sound of her steady heart beat on the monitor gave him a peace of mind. She was alive, and he could do this.

Explaining everything to him was completely pointless. He knew everything that happened, from the moment she was shot until now. And he was a doctor himself, he knew what to expect. Both surgeons gave him a look and a gentle squeeze on his shoulder, and left. The room was now empty; quiet despite all of the monitors. He watched the slight rise and fall of her chest as the machine breathed for her. She was still intubated because of the major surgery that she had just had. Her body was rushed into things, and it needed some help.

How was he going to tell her that their baby was gone, that she was no longer pregnant? Just the thought of it made him quiver and feel sick to his stomach. He really wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. She needed to open her eyes, move her hand, something to ease his racing thoughts and endless worries.

He moved slightly to reach for her hand, the only thing he could do in the moment; or at least the only thing he could think to do. She still looked a little pale, her body still trying to make up for some much needed blood. Until she was awake, he would stay like this. Until she woke up, he would hope and pray and do all he could to help his wife, all while grieving for his unborn child that he somehow had to tell his wife no longer existed; a fact he still had to come to grips with himself.

No matter how long this healing process took, he would be there every second. This was the worse part of for better or worse. He loved her and he would do anything he had to, any and everything in his power to show her how much she truly meant and how much he loved her and how he would do whatever it took to ease her pain. Every fiber of his being that still remained was fully invested in the care of his wife, being there for her.

He could do this, he had no choice.


End file.
